A cigar makers organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I dont know if thats true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded.

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world.

If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.