A cigar makers organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I dont know if thats true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded.

Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you

Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.