A cigar makers organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I dont know if thats true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded.

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

Budget: a way of going broke methodically

I don't want to join the kind of a club that accepts people like me as members.

This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.

I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.