I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.