A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I'd have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.

Anyone buying this book is going to be out a tidy sum if he is sucked in by the title. I wish I could write a real sexy book that would be barred from the mails. Apparently nothing whets a reader's appetite for literature more than the news that the author has been thrown into a federal pokey for disturbing the libido of millions of Americans.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!