I'd have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Women should be obscene, not heard.

The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.