Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.