Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we ought to have?

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.