The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.

Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.