The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.

Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.