The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Was that you or the duck?

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

There was no need to inform us of the protocol involved. We were from Chicago and knew all about cement.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.