The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.

I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Don't let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.