I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

I hate London when it's not raining.

Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.