Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.

A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound of sachet powder, an evil-smelling lip rouge, a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils, and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar.

Jail is no place for a young fellow. There's no advancement.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.