Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'
Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.