Here lies Groucho Marx and Lies and Lies and Lies P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar" Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change." Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.