You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs.

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one.