The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!