Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.

Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.

Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns