Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

I'm not much of a correspondent. My letters are not only uninteresting but sparse. I'm glad I don?t have to write for a living. It?s arduous work and the money is very uncertain. On those rare occasions when I wander into a bookstore it amazes me to see the avalanche of literature and semi-literature that is turned out weekly in this country. The people who write these things are either desperate for money or love starved. Why should anyone on a nice balmy day lock oneself in an office and hit a typewriter for hours on end. I think one of the greatest pleasures in the world is not writing.

I love to read. My education is self-inflicted

He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days.