The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much

Every time someone turns on a TV, I go in the other room and read.

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.