The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we ought to have?

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days.

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.