Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Any place I hang my head is home.

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.