We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.

Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket