Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.