Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.