Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, we saved your grandson. The little Jewish Grandma says, He had a hat!

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"