Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.