I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.