A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.

There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate.