Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.