My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?