My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.