My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.