My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.