All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"