My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!