I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.