A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

Let's get up here before we get killed!

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

Take my wife... Please!