I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

Are you married? What do you do for agravation?

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.