I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. I'm sorry, he's on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking.