I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."