I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"