I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.