My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate.

A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.