Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.