Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"