I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate.