I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!

I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.