Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.