Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.

I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.