I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.