I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

If I had blood, I'd blush.

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.