This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!