This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'