We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.