Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.