I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.