The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!
I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."