I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.