I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.