I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.