I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.