The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

We aim to please... You aim too, please.

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?

I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?