The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."