He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!

The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"

I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.