My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!