My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!