Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."