Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.