In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!
A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"