Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Old teachers never die, they just grade away.