Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.