Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!".