I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?