I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.