A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.